|
More Jokes
|
Great One-Liners!
- Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't
sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"
- A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"
- "Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court Judge said, "And I've
decided to give your wife $775 a week," "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll
try to send her a few bucks myself,"
- A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your
wife at all," "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.
- An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for
the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on
you. The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
- A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San
Francisco to New York City?" The agent replies, "Just a minute..." Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
- The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient.
First you boil the chicken in water. And then you dump the stock.
- This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants
he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"
The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."
- Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion"
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married
her I didn't believe in hell."
- A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O. K. but
I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse. "OOPS!
|
Rodney Dangerfield's 21
Best One Liners
1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ...
I'd have had nothing to play
with.
2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's
home."
I
went over. Nobody was home.
3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to
talk to me.
Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
4. One
day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked.
I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?"
He
said "Because you came home early."
5. Its been a rough day. I got up this
morning ... put a shirt on and a
button fell off.
I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off.
I'm afraid to
go to the bathroom.
6. I was such an ugly kid...
When I played in the
sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
7. I could tell my parents hated
me.
My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
8. I was such an ugly baby...
My
mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a
friend.
9.
I'm so ugly...
My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
10.
When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to
my father,
"I'm sorry. We did everything we
could, but he pulled through."
11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning
sickness...AFTER I was born.
12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped
and they sent a piece of my
finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
13.
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me
find my parents.
I said to him, "Do you think we'll
ever find them?"
He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
14.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
15. I'm so
ugly...
I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
16.
I went to see my doctor.
"Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...
I feel like throwing up; What's
wrong with me?"
He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
17.
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping
pills.
My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get
some rest.
18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can
I get my
kite in the air?"
He told me to run off a cliff.
19. Some
dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a
pyramid.
His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he
went on the paper four
times
-three of those times I was reading it.
20.
One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.
21. My
uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap;
he was in the electric chair.
Totally Stranded
One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted
island
for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to
himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as
the speck got closer
and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat
and even a raft.
Suddenly
there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad
figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit,
there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said
to
him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a
cigarette?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With
that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket
on the left sleeve or her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack
of
cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and
begorrah," said the man, "that is
so good I'd almost forgotten how
great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good
Irish
whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reaches
over to her right sleeve unzips
a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him.
He opened the flask and took
a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the
gods!" stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous
blonde started to slowly unzip the
long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the
trembling
man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played
around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to
his knees and
sobbed,
"Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"
|
|
GAMES FOR
WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
*************==*************
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names
on
them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
*********==*********
OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as
you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
==*************==**************==
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra..
Hard to Find
Supportive
Comfortable
And Always Close To Your Heart!
==**************==**************==
Thoughts for the weekend
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I
wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping", now I just "chunky dunk".
In the 60's, people took acid to make
the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid
someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good
for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
You read about all these terrorists --- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas,
some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are
all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
WHAT
"ONE" DOES IN RETIREMENT
WORKING PEOPLE FREQUENTLY ASK
RETIRED PEOPLE WHAT THEY DO TO MAKE THEIR DAYS INTERESTING.
I WENT TO THE STORE
THE OTHER DAY. I WAS ONLY IN THERE FOR ABOUT 5 MINUTES. WHEN I CAME OUT THERE WAS A CITY COP WRITING OUT A PARKING TICKET.I
WENT UP TO HIM AND SAID, "COME ON, BUDDY, HOW ABOUT GIVING A SENIOR A BREAK?" HE IGNORED ME AND CONTINUED WRITING THE
TICKET.
I CALLED HIM A NAME. HE GLARED AT ME AND STARTED WRITING ANOTHER TICKET FOR HAVING WORN TIRES.
SO I CALLED HIM
A WORSE NAME. HE FINISHED THE SECOND TICKET AND PUT IT ON THE WINDSHIELD WITH THE FIRST. THEN HE STARTED WRITING
A THIRD TICKET. THIS WENT ON FOR ABOUT 20 MINUTES. THE MORE I ABUSED HIM THE MORE TICKETS HE WROTE.
I DIDN'T CARE.
MY CAR WAS PARKED AROUND THE CORNER AND THIS
ONE HAD AN "ELECT JOHN KERRY" BUMPER STICKER ON IT.
I TRY TO HAVE A LITTLE
FUN EACH DAY NOW THAT I'M RETIRED.
IT'S IMPORTANT AT OUR AGE.
Next Page
|
