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Jokes and Quotes (hot off the web)
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US
!!!!
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report
that
her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she
explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've
stolen the
stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and
even the accelerator!' she cried. The dispatcher said,
'Stay calm. An
officer is on the way.' A few minutes
later, the officer radios in 'Disregard.' He says.
'She got in the back-seat by
mistake.'
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!
________________________________________________________________________
Three
sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house
together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts
her foot in
and pauses. She yells to the other sisters,
'Was I getting in or out of the bath?' The
94-year-old yells back, 'I don't
know. I'll come
up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses
'Was I going up the stairs or down?' The 92-year-old
was
sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her
sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I
never
get that forgetful, knock on wood...' She then
yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as
I see who's at the
door.'
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
________________________________________________________________________
'I
CAN HEAR JUST FINE!'
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf
one fine March day. One remarked
to the other, 'Windy,
isn't it?' 'No,' the second man replied,
'it's Thursday..' And the third man chimed in,
'So
am I. Let's have a beer.'
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
_______________________________________________________________________
A
little old lady was running up and down the halls in a
nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of
her
nightgown and say 'Supersex...' She walked up to
an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him,
she said,
'Supersex.' He sat silently for a moment
or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the
soup.'
TELL ME THIS
WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
____________________________________________________________________
Now this one is
just too Precious...LOL!
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over
the years, they had shared all
kinds of activities and
adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to
meeting a few times a week to play
cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the
other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me ... I know
we've
been friends for a long time, but I just can't
think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I
can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is..'
Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she
just stared and glared
at her. Finally she said, 'How
soon do you need to know?'
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
_____________________________________________________________________
SENIOR
DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell
phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice
urgently
warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news
that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
Please be careful!'
'Heck,' said Herman,
'It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!'
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
_________________________________________________________________
DRIVING
Two
elderly women were out driving in a large car - both
could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising
along,
they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red,
but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger
seat
thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could
have sworn we just went through a red light.'
After a few more
minutes, they came to another intersection
and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The
woman in the passenger
seat was almost sure that the light
had been red but was really concerned that she was losing
it. She was getting nervous.
At
the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red
and they went on through. So she turned to the other woman
and
said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran
through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us
both!'
Mildred
turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?'
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
|
When Insults Had
Class
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some
unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues
I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a
man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner
(about Ernest Hemingway).
"Thank you for sending
me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral,
but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but
is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one." - Winston Churchill,
in response.
"I feel so miserable without
you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about
his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself;
he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
"In order to avoid being
called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite
of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away
and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever
they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as
a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear
for music." - Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But
this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx |
Why, Why, Why,,,,
* Why do we press
harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?
* Why
do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?
*
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say
the paint is still wet?
* Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
*
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
* Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
* Whose idea was
it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
* If people evolved from apes, why
are there still apes?
* Why is it that no matter what color bubble
bath you use the bubbles are always white?
* Is there ever a day that
mattresses are not on sale?
* Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator
with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
* Why
do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then
put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
* Why is it that no
plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
* How do those
dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
* When we are in
the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?'
Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
*
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage
to knock something else over?
* In winter why do we try to keep the
house as wa rm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
* How
come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
* The statistics on sanity is
that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're
okay, then it's you.
DRUM ROLL PLEASE...
· I used to eat a lot of natural foods until
I learned that
most people die of natural causes.
· There are two kinds of pedestrians: the
quick and the dead.
·
Life is sexually transmitted.
· The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
· Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in
hospitals dying of nothing.
-
Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
· Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs
like they used to?
·
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
· All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
· How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
· Who was the first person to look at
a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?'
· If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is
there a song about
him?
· Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet
Soup?
· Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
·
Why
doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
42- Weird Things You Would Never Know!!
1.) A shrimp's heart is in its head.
2.)
The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
3.)
Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.
4.) Wearing
headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
5.) If the government has
no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969
make it illegal for U. S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?
6.) In
every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
7.) A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
8.)
23% of all photocopier faults world-wide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their butts.
9.)
Most lipstick contains fish scales
10.) Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
11.)
If you sneeze too hard you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze you can rupture a blood vessel in your
head or neck and die. If you keep your eyes open by force they can pop out.
12.) In a study of 200,000
ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand.
13.)
It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
14.) A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
15.)
More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
16.) Horses can't
vomit.
17.) Butterflies taste with their feet.
18.) In 10 minutes, a category three hurricane releases
more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.
19.) On average 100 people choke to death on ballpoint
pens every year.
20.) On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
21.) Ninety percent
of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.
22.) Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal
ads for dating are already married.
23.) Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
24.) Only
one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
25.) It's possible to lead a cow upstairs... but not
downstairs.
26.) Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
27.) It is physically impossible for you
to lick your elbow.
28.) The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built,
engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
29.) A snail
can sleep for three years.
30.) No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."
31.) Our eyes
are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
32.) The electric chair was invented
by a dentist.
33.) All polar bears are left handed.
34.) In ancient Egypt , priests plucked EVERY
hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
35.) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
36.)
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.
37.) "Go,"
is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
38.) If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would
be 39-23-33. She would stand 7 feet, 2 inches tall.
39.) A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
40.)
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
41.) Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every
day.
42.) Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick their elbow.
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THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by
Friday, June 29
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED
TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide
Presentation.
Meets
4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The
Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The
Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks..
Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen
Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM
Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help
Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The
Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your
Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays
at 6:00 PM Location to be determined
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel
Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online
Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises,
Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries
and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies
Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays
at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to
the survivors. Send this to all the guys that you think can stand
the heat, and to all the ladies for the best chuckle of their day!
=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=
BBQ RULES
We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important
to refresh your memory on the etiquette
of this sublime outdoor cooking
activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably
because there
is an element of danger involved.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put
into
motion:
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with
the necessary cooking utensils and sauces,
and takes it to the man who is
lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
(5)
The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks
her and asks if she will bring another
beer while he deals with the
situation.
(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
(8)
The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces,
and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that
there's just no pleasing some
women....
Out Of The Mouths Of...... babes.
A little girl was talking
to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even
though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that
Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not
swallow a
human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said,
"When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah
went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ."
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children
while they were drawing.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got
to one little girl who was working diligently, she
asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But
no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her
drawing, the girl
replied, "They will in a minute."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments
with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is
there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family)
answered, "Thou shall not kill."
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher
was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just
think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all
grown up and say, 'There's Angela, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's
David, he's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out,
"And there's the teacher, she's dead."
A teacher was giving a lesson
on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the
blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes,"
the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic
elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other
end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching
the apples."
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and
asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She
responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the
best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
The nice thing about being senile
is you can hide your own Easter eggs .
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries,
a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet
engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have
poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But,
thank God, I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my
body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I
decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed.
"Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's
not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's
scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
These
days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
.:THE SENILITY PRAYER:.
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune
to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are going dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they
know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks
when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why
is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine
it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on
your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When
we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's
all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Why
is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else
over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was
in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law
jokes?
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from
some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
Laughter is a blessing but sharing with friends is heaven!
1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
the finance
committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier
because none of the members
knows how to play one.
2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... people ask, when
they learn that Jesus fed the
5000, whether the two fish were bass
or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if.. when the pastor says,
"I'd like to ask Bubba to
help take up the offering," five guys and
two women stand up.
4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... opening day of deer
season is recognized as an
official church holiday.
5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... A member of the
church requests to be buried in his
4-wheel-drive truck because "It
ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of" (Love it!)
6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the choir is known
as the "OK Chorale".
7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... in a congregation of
500 members, there are only
seven last names in the church
directory.
8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... people think
"rapture" is what you get when you
lift something too heavy.
9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the baptismal pool
is a #2 galvanized washtub.
10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if.. the choir robes were
donated by (and embroidered
with the logo from) Billy Bob's
Barbecue.
11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the collection
plates are hubcaps from a 56 Chevy.
12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... instead of a bell;
you are called to service
by a duck call.
13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if.. the minister and his
wife drive matching pickup
trucks.
14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the communion wine
is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".
15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... "Thou shall not
covet" applies to huntin' dogs,
too.
16. You know You're in a Redneck Church if.. the final words of
the benediction are, "Y'all
come back now, Ya heah".
"Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,
"Lillian, you
should have remained a virgin."
- Lillian Carter (mother of 64th president Jimmy Carter)
"I
had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good
in a bed, but fine against a wall."
- Eleanor Roosevelt
"Last week, I stated this woman was the
ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement."
-
Mark Twain
"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the
two as close together as possible."
- George Burns
"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people
only once a year."
- Victor Borge
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."
-
Mark Twain
"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir..mighty scarce."
- Mark Twain
"By
all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get" a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-
Socrates
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
- Groucho Marx
"My
wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."
- Jimmy Durante
"The
male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and
kindness, can be trained to do most things."
-
Jilly Cooper
"I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Only
Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food
groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat."
-
Alex Levine
"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was
here first."
- Mark Twain
"My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying."
-
Ed Furgol
"Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery."
-
Spike Milligan
"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money."
- Henny Youngman
"Until
I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up."
- Joe Namath
"Youth would be an ideal state if
it came a little later in life."
- Herbert Henry Asquith
"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything
until noon. Then it's time for
my nap."
- Bob Hope
"I never drink water because of the
disgusting things that fish do in
it."
- WC. Fields
"We could certainly slow the aging
process down if it had to work its way through Congress."
- Will Rogers
"Don't worry about
avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will
avoid you."
- Winston Churchill
"Maybe
it's true that life begins at fifty... but everything else starts
to wear out, fall out, or spread out."
-
Phyllis Diller
"The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out."
- Unknown
"By
the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere."
- Billy Crystal
Brain
Cramps
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever,
then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
*******************************=*********************************
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to
be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey
*******************************=*********************************
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've
lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
*******************************=*********************************
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
*******************************=*********************************
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of
the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
*******************************=*********************************
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through
our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed
documents.
*******************************=*********************************
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas.
*******************************=*********************************
"Half
this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
*******************************=*********************************
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President
*******************************=*********************************
"I love California.
I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Dan Quayle
*******************************=*********************************
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"--Lee
Iacocca
*******************************=*********************************
"The
word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe
Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.
*******************************=*********************************
"We
don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
--Colonel
Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
*******************************=*********************************
"If
we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President
*******************************=*********************************
"We
are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP
*******************************=*********************************
"Traditionally,
most of Australia's
imports come from overseas." Keppel Enderbery
*******************************=*********************************
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that
you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
*******************************=*********************************
"If
somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to
bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
*******************************=*********************************
....Feeling smarter
yet?
|
