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Jokes etc.
.........Off The Internet........
I dialed a number
and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am
making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of
the changes."
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At pilots' training back in the Air Corps
they taught us, "Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you make."
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Little Tommy had been to a birthday party
at a friend's house. Knowing his sweet tooth, Tommy's mother looked straight into his eyes and said, "I hope you
didn't ask for a second piece of cake."
"No, but I asked Mrs. Smith for
the recipe so you could make some like it, and she gave me two more pieces without asking."
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Aspire to inspire before you expire.
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My wife and I had
words, but I didn't get to use mine.
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As my five year
old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like
that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."
From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
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Frustration is trying to find your glasses
without your glasses.
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Blessed are those
who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.
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The irony of life is that, by the time you're
old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.
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God made man before woman so as to give him
time to think of an answer for her first question.
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I was always taught to respect my elders,
but it keeps getting harder to find one.
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)Kid's Jokes(
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the
bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest
day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
~~~~~)(~~~~~
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late
for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"
While
she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got
up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't
let me be late...but please don't shove me either!"
~~~~~)(~~~~~
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned
over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
~~~~~)(~~~~~
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles
a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he
calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper
he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
~~~~~)(~~~~~
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't
want them to take me out when I'm dead."
~~~~~)(~~~~~
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He said, "Call for backup."
~~~~~)(~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And
why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping"
~~~~~)(~~~~~
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
A small child replied "They couldn't get a baby sitter."
~~~~~)(~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "is there a commandment that teaches us
how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
~~~~~)(~~~~~
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little
Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what
is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
~~~~~)(~~~~~
Two boys were walking home from Sunday School after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One
said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your
dad"
~~~~~)(~~~~~
More Off The Internet:
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married...The ceremony
wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into
a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3.
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks
into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm
and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating
a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. Patient:
"Doc, I simply can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'" Doctor: "That sounds like it might be 'Tom Jones' syndrome!"
Patient: "Is it common?" Doctor: "Well, 'It's Not Unusual!"
8. Two
cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't
believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible
man marries an invisible woman...The kids were nothing to look at either.
10.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy
some camouflage pants at Wal-Mart the other day but dang! I just couldn't find any.
12.
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied,
"Of course you can't, you idiot! I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a
seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish
with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns
to the other and says "Dam!".
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly,
so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18.
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes
to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving
the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins!
If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know,
walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ...(Oh, man, this is so bad,
it's good)... A super calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.
Walking The Dog!
A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she
is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl
goes to the garage and says,
"Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block?
I asked Mom, but she said the dog was
in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag,
soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed
the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle
on the leash and only go
one time round the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised,
Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog
is pushing her home."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Ohio State Fan's?
We Ohio State fans amuse ourselves by scaring every Michigan fan we see strutting down the street with that obnoxious
maze & blue "M" on his shirt.
We swerve our vans as if to hit them, and then swerve back just missing them.
One
day, while driving along, I saw a priest. I thought I would do a good deed, so I pulled over and asked the priest, "Where
are you going Father?"
"I'm going to give mass at St. Francis Church, about 2 miles down the road," replied the priest.
"Climb
in, Father! I'll give you a lift!"
The priest climbed into the rear passenger seat, and we continued down the road.
Suddenly,
I saw a Michigan fan walking down the road, with that "M" shirt on and I instinctively swerved as if to hit him.
But, as
usual, I swerved back into the road just in time. Even though I was certain that I had missed the guy, I still heard a loud
"THUD."
Not understanding where the noise came from, I glanced in my mirrors but still didn't see anything. I then remembered
the priest, and turned to the priest and said, "Sorry Father, I almost hit that Michigan fan."
"That's OK," replied the
priest, "I got him with the door."
GO BUCKS!!!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Why Men Are Happier
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple
creatures?
Your
last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take
care ofthemselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt
to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas
station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same
work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when
you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or
mangle your feet.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation
requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If
someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs
of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your
clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.
You
only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big
hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You
can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do
Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25
minutes. Better yet, someone else does most of it for you.
No
wonder men are happier.
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